On Being ChildFree
A good friend recently introduced me to a fantastic site “on being child-free“. Frankly, up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t even heard of the phrase! I’m a parent of two adorable children, and have a number of friends who aren’t married, and don’t have kids yet. But, I’ve never thought of them as having consciously opted to be ‘child-free’… I always figured, it was a matter of “when”, not “if”!
So, it was with much interest and enthusiasm that I devoured whatever I could read on the subject. This would be an opportunity for me to learn something from an entirely new perspective – not an easy thing to come by, these days.
I read the Top 100 reasons not to have Kids, and went through the Best FAQ page on being Childfree, and understood what it means to say Yes to ChildFreedom. And, once I did all that, I was able to really appreciate the arguments of the other side.
I fully agree with my friend – Joy – on the fact that people will spend hours, days, even months researching before buying an expensive gadget, but won’t stop to think before bringing another human to this planet! More people need to think about what it means to have children, consciously, before it “happens” to them. And, making an informed decision is a great start indeed.
But, there is also an argument against making rational arguments. Behavioural studies show that, in most situations, we humans have already decided which course we want to pursue in a matter of seconds (or milliseconds). We then go about finding enough data (pros and cons) to basically support our choices. (We both know that you can find enough data to support pretty much any argument, don’t we?!)
I’m not saying every one should be a parent. Frankly, I think they ought to issue valid licenses for parents! And, I do agree that every couple (every individual?) should be able to choose their own path, irrespective of what society thinks is the acceptable norm.
But, the experience of being a parent is unlike any other.
There’s something magical about being a parent to a child that can make you appreciate Life in all it has to offer… It’s one of the rare things in life where the sum of its parts is not as much as its whole. Therefore, any list of Top 100 reasons or the likes will not even come close to experiencing the sheer joy of holding a newborn in your hand.
The choice should be your’s. And, it should be an informed one. Remember though, after all is said and done, the heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of… John Dryden.
Recommended reading: Happily Childfree
You have a refreshing perspective concerning the child-free lifestyle.
Thank you for not judging all of us as monstrous self-centred child-haters.
I only wish more people considered the choice to have children more rationally as it is a tremendous and awesome responsibility. Unfortunately, some children are born to those who are ill-prepared for this task, and consequently, some children are not cherished and brought up with the care and concern they are due.
Being a parent is indeed, an experience unlike any other. Clearly, you enjoy this experience and find it very rewarding. There are those of us out there who would also contend that being a non-parent is also an experience unlike any other. Some of us find being child-free equally wondrous.
Again, it is very unusual to find someone (a parent, especially) willing to look at the child-free lifestyle as a non-threatening alternative. Thank you for your open-mindedness and consideration.
Peace.
* Editor’s Reply *
Thank you for stopping by and sharing that thought.
If blogging has taught me one thing, it is that every one is entitled to their point of view. In fact, just today, a good friend reminded me that the line I concluded with (the heart has its reasons…) also cuts *both* ways!
So yes, I do understand the ‘other’ point of view, and am richer for it. And yes, I am able to appreciate that being “child-free” can be a wonderfully rewarding experience as well. My only aim in writing this post was to share both sides of the story with my friends and readers of this blog, so that hopefully, no child will grow up in a home that is ill-prepared for the task…
Wonderfully written post !
The bottom line is that every individual who can reason has to promote the idea that parenting is not for everyone. Parenthood or childfreedom is a choice and it is better to have more childfree people than have ill-equipped parents raising spoilt brats or potential criminals.
But ofcourse, few people will have the guts to admit that they won’t make good parents when that is a clear fact.
If humans can’t control the numbers, mother nature will wipe out a nice big chunk of us eventually. Probably very soon.
I beg to differ with few of Joy’s comments.
“Parenthood or childfreedom is a choice and it is better to have more childfree people than have ill-equipped parents raising spoilt brats or potential criminals.”
Parenthood should be a choice, I agree. And parents with the best of intentions, who are intellectually, physically and emotionally equipped could bring up a ‘potential criminal’. And a lot of ill equipped parents do bring up a good samaritan. So your comment of qualifying childfreedom up against raising good or bad kids holds no merit at all. Infact, childfreedom is about taking the highroad if your arguement is to be used.
Also, when you say ‘But ofcourse, few people will have the guts to admit that they won’t make good parents when that is a clear fact.’, are you choosing to agree that you will make a bad parent and hence choosing to not raise a kid at all?
Parenthood is not really a pre-planned, pre-packaged textbook course sort of thing. Just as the kids learn from a parent, a parent learns from a kid everyday and hence enriched more for it. Its more like an unplanned journey. More than anything, its a lesson on sacrifice. Till you become a parent, life’s about you. Parenthood is the humbling journey which forces you to put someone else in front of you and yet be the most happy about it.
I find it perplexing the need to put parenthood and the other lifestyle in a race. If you strongly believe that its a choice, then why justify it by silly statements as above? By being a parent, you dont really lose your identity. You are still you and you are more for the experience parenthood brings you. Similarly, being a non-parent brings you to face a lot of situations, experiences which will hopefully make you richer. But if you try to make it an identity, then you lose yourself.Just like being gay is not really an identity, being a parent or non-parent is not an identity. Its just a choice of lifestyle.
‘If humans can’t control the numbers, mother nature will wipe out a nice big chunk of us eventually. Probably very soon.’
Really? I cant help but laugh. Sorry.
Hi Priya,
Thanks for your analysis and comments.
Unlike mathematics, few exceptions and counterexamples can’t disprove social arguments which generally hold good for most people. I have no idea why smart people bring out one or two exceptions in defense of obvious trends/formulas all the time.
I agree that parenthood is not an identity (though a lot of women are proud to define themselves as only “I am a mom”). I also admit that despite I like children I don’t want to own them due to the insane commitment, hence I will be a bad parent. I refuse to put the “high road” label on childfreedom, as folks like us actually have the time and energy to channel to various causes and volunteer activities.
Parents raise up their own offsprings, which did not even exist before their birth. So the words “sacrifice” and “humbling” sound rather stupid because a parent is devoting their time/energy/money on something of their own. Many people with talents waste their prime years in childrearing than actually doing something meaningful. This is very sad.
The big picture is that the world is overpopulated and overpolluted. Maintaining the ongoing birth rate only makes matters worse and costs everyone their quality of life. I agree it is a lifestyle choice, but we can’t ignore the big picture. Not having kids (or having just one kid per couple) is an immense contribution to humanity according to all the scientific facts right now and it will remain true for a few decades at least till the population stabilizes.
Laugh all you want, if nature can’t fix things, there are all sorts of things that can happen when there are too many people for too little resources. We will see.
* Editor’s Reply *
After reading this post, a young man recently wrote to me by email that he and his wife were planning to stay childfree, and asking me for my thoughts on his particular case. Here’s my reply…
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Most people I know of, have a child because it seems to be the natural thing to do, in terms of contributing to the notion of a complete family and making sure your gene pool lives on. It also gives some meaning to the pursuit of work and success, knowing that someone (the next generation) will benefit from the fruits of your labour. That’s not to say that one cannot find meaning in each other as a couple. Or that being childfree is not an option.
As the Childfree website writes, “Making the choice to be childfree is not something that is chosen lightly. In many cases childfree people have thought longer and harder about why NOT to have kids than their counterparts have thought about why TO have kids.”
That said, I’ve also written on my post that “The experience of being a parent is unlike any other… any list of Top 100 reasons or the likes will not even come close to experiencing the sheer joy of holding a newborn in your hand.”
Once you have a child, having a second child has its own considerations. Most parents I know of will have a second child (even though it means a lot of effort in the first 4-5 years of the newborn), simply because it’s better for the first child to have company! Yes, it adds to costs and comes with its own set of problems (sibling rivalry, fights and squabbles, etc.) But like most things in life, these decisions are not entirely rational – and can’t be adequately explained by breaking it down.
What I’m trying to say is that there are no correct answers or shortcuts to your decision. It’s a little like getting married. In your bachelor years, if friends or family talk about the prospect of your settling down, it feels like an assault on your freedom and your sense of who you are. But, one day, when you’re ready for it… it all comes together. And feels natural.
If being childree comes naturally to you, be so. If having children feels right, be a parent.
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