I love the stuff they churn out at HowStuffWorks, especially because they cover so much of Science and Technology. Therefore, even I was surprised to read this, recently:
Over the years, you give your child a great deal of information in answer to his questions both trivial and serious. Some of your answers are very brief, just “Yes” or “No”; others are longer. Some consist of facts, plain and simple, and others express emotions, values, or philosophy. With the first “Why?” question you answer, you establish your own unique style of giving information, and your child knows from then on what to expect from you when he asks a question. However, some of your child’s questions will be easier to answer than others.
Among the most difficult questions you will have to answer for your child, are the ones on Death, Sex and Divorce. In a well-written post, HowStuffWorks offers some really sensible advice on each of these three. I am including a brief extract from each, to give you a sneak peek of what’s in store:
On Death To counter denial, tell your child as often as necessary that yes, Grandpa is dead, and will not return, but those who love him will always remember him. Do not use misleading terms such as “sleeping” and “gone away”; the first may well make your child afraid to go to bed, and the second leads her to expect Grandpa’s return. And do not use confusing euphemisms such as “called home” and “happy in heaven.” Your child will find it hard to understand why people are sad when death sounds so good… At some point after the death, your child may feel a great deal of fear — fear she will die, fear you will die and leave her alone and uncared for, nameless fear that if Grandpa can die, anything terrifying and horrible can happen. In spite of your constant reassurance, your child may regress in areas in which she had recently made strides foward, such as night waking, toilet training, or eating. Bear with her; the stage will pass… On Sex The best answer, wherever and whenever the question comes up, is brief and factual: “They grow inside their mothers.” Later, when your child has absorbed this bit of information and comes back with more questions, you should be equally matter-of-fact in explaining, probably in the following order, that the baby grows in the mother’s uterus, a special place in the mother’s body; comes out through a birth passage called the vagina; and is conceived when a cell from the father’s body joins a cell in the mother’s body… Your hesitancy about explaining sexuality and reproduction to your child is natural and common among most parents. It disappears as you become more accustomed to answering the questions and giving the information so important for your child to have. Do remember to include the roles of love and intimacy and respect in your talks about reproduction with a child of any age. If you do not, you are telling only half the story… On Divorce Even very young children should be told the parents are separating before the departing spouse moves out, if possible. You should tell them the truth — the parent who is leaving will not come back to live. However young they are, they should not be told Daddy is going on a business trip or Mommy is going to visit Grandma. Divorce is somewhat similar to death in that it is final; euphemisms and lies or half-truths do more harm than good and ultimately have to be corrected… Probably the first question a child of any age will ask is “Why?” Your answer may be something like this: “Because we aren’t happy living together, and we think it would be best for all of us if we lived apart.” The second question may be unasked, but don’t doubt that it is in your child’s mind: “If you can stop being happy together, can you stop being happy with me?” To attempt to dispel this fear, it is very important for you to say to your child, “We will both always love you; that will never change.”…
On Death
To counter denial, tell your child as often as necessary that yes, Grandpa is dead, and will not return, but those who love him will always remember him. Do not use misleading terms such as “sleeping” and “gone away”; the first may well make your child afraid to go to bed, and the second leads her to expect Grandpa’s return. And do not use confusing euphemisms such as “called home” and “happy in heaven.” Your child will find it hard to understand why people are sad when death sounds so good…
At some point after the death, your child may feel a great deal of fear — fear she will die, fear you will die and leave her alone and uncared for, nameless fear that if Grandpa can die, anything terrifying and horrible can happen. In spite of your constant reassurance, your child may regress in areas in which she had recently made strides foward, such as night waking, toilet training, or eating. Bear with her; the stage will pass…
On Sex
The best answer, wherever and whenever the question comes up, is brief and factual: “They grow inside their mothers.” Later, when your child has absorbed this bit of information and comes back with more questions, you should be equally matter-of-fact in explaining, probably in the following order, that the baby grows in the mother’s uterus, a special place in the mother’s body; comes out through a birth passage called the vagina; and is conceived when a cell from the father’s body joins a cell in the mother’s body…
Your hesitancy about explaining sexuality and reproduction to your child is natural and common among most parents. It disappears as you become more accustomed to answering the questions and giving the information so important for your child to have. Do remember to include the roles of love and intimacy and respect in your talks about reproduction with a child of any age. If you do not, you are telling only half the story…
On Divorce
Even very young children should be told the parents are separating before the departing spouse moves out, if possible. You should tell them the truth — the parent who is leaving will not come back to live. However young they are, they should not be told Daddy is going on a business trip or Mommy is going to visit Grandma. Divorce is somewhat similar to death in that it is final; euphemisms and lies or half-truths do more harm than good and ultimately have to be corrected…
Probably the first question a child of any age will ask is “Why?” Your answer may be something like this: “Because we aren’t happy living together, and we think it would be best for all of us if we lived apart.” The second question may be unasked, but don’t doubt that it is in your child’s mind: “If you can stop being happy together, can you stop being happy with me?” To attempt to dispel this fear, it is very important for you to say to your child, “We will both always love you; that will never change.”…
Do take the time to read the entire post.
Tiger is now two and a half years old, and has certainly come a long way from the “Small Beginning” he made when he began speaking around a year ago.
It still takes us by surprise that, somewhere in the past one year, his vocabulary shot up so suddenly and significantly that most folks who meet him, find it hard to believe that he’s just two. It’s almost as if he was accumulating all the words he was listening to, only to explode like a volcano one day with every thing that’s inside!
There are a number of things he says routinely, that are so typical and unique… and special. Here are some of my favourite examples…
When he’s angry with someone’s behaviour, he’ll come up to them, make his best “angry” face and tell them in a stern voice : “I’m angee with you!”
Like Pumpkin, he also can’t pronounce any word that starts with an ‘s’. So, “school” becomes “cool”, and “stand” becomes“tand”, and so on and so forth.
His favourite animals are dinosaurs, and his favourite movie is Ice Age 3 in which the most “powerful” role is that of the “mama dinosaur”. So, he’s grown up with the thinking a “mama dinosaur” is the most powerful beast that ever walked this Earth. And, about 1017 times in a day, he rushes at someone with one of his favourite glow-in-the-dark dinosaur models in his hand, threatening them with the words: “I’m a mama dinosaur, and I’m coming to eat you…”
The other day, he observed that he and I are both “boys”, so I gently corrected him saying, “That’s true, but I’m a grown up boy which is called a ‘man’.” So he clarified, are you a “Papa man”? I said yes. He immediately added, “I’m a mama man!” in the voice he uses when he threatens us with “mama dinosaur”!!!
Speaking of grown ups, he struggles with the phrase and always ends up calling them “growm ups” !
Early on in life, he figured out his own name for a sleeveless shirt. He calls it a “tickle tickle t-shirt” since it’s so much easier to tickle him in his armpits when he’s wearing one of those!
He frequently asks us what is our favourite colour, and God help you if you happen to answer that your favourite colour is something that you’re not wearing on your clothes! He will argue with you that your favourite colour is not X since you’re wearing Y. That’s that. (His favourite colour is “blown“, by the way. Pronounced as “brown” with an “l”)
One of the things I really find amusing is his constant effort to figure out the world around him. Almost every new thing we show him, or something he encounters by himself, is followed by an innocent question: “It’s for eating?”
Whenever we’re watching the TV or a movie, and he sees a really pretty girl on screen, he looks at me or his mama and says, “I like her. She’s my friend.“ That usually means he’s taken a fancy for this one. And, I have to admit, it’s always the prettiest thing in the entire cast!
Somewhere along the way, he’s also developed the habit of allowing me to go to office only after he tells me a secret in my ear. What is it, you ask? Well, it’s a secret!
Watch this space for more.
Read Also: A Happy Journey
If Memory Serves
A little background before this post: My mom – the kids’ Dadi (i.e. grandma) – lives with us. She is more than 70 years old and is often forgetful of things that were told to her not so long ago. One day, on returning home from work, I learned from Pumpkin that Dadi had slipped and lost her balance while she was out walking with her. Now, sometimes, Pumpkin tends to exaggerate things a bit, so I thought I would clarify, just to be sure. Here’s how it went:
Pumpkin: Papa, did you know that Dadi fell down today when we were down?! Papa: Really? Pumpkin: Yes, papa. She really slipped and fell. You can ask her. Papa: Oh! And what will she say if I ask her about it? Pumpkin: She’ll say no. Papa: Why would she do that?! Pumpkin: Papa, you know Dadi doesn’t remember any thing… How will she remember this?!
Pumpkin: Papa, did you know that Dadi fell down today when we were down?!
Papa: Really?
Pumpkin: Yes, papa. She really slipped and fell. You can ask her.
Papa: Oh! And what will she say if I ask her about it?
Pumpkin: She’ll say no.
Papa: Why would she do that?!
Pumpkin: Papa, you know Dadi doesn’t remember any thing… How will she remember this?!
Now, you know.
Babycenter posted an excellent article on “Ten ways to build your child’s self-esteem” in which it detailed simple strategies that each of us can use to boost our child’s confidence.
The suggestions ranged from giving unconditional love to supporting healthy risks. What I found most noteworthy, however, was how the writeup distinguished between “Praise” and “Encouragement”:
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, “I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!” Encouragement means acknowledging progress - not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: “You’re trying very hard and you almost have it!” instead of “Not like that. Let me do it.” There’s a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person (“You did it!” rather than “I’m proud of you!”). Praise can make a child feel that he’s only “good” if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. “Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there” is more helpful than saying, “You’re the best player on the team.” Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, “I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!” Encouragement means acknowledging progress - not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: “You’re trying very hard and you almost have it!” instead of “Not like that. Let me do it.”
There’s a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person (“You did it!” rather than “I’m proud of you!”). Praise can make a child feel that he’s only “good” if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. “Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there” is more helpful than saying, “You’re the best player on the team.” Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.
Don’t give this one a miss. It has long term implications for your child’s Life.
As readers of this blog would know, the Bachwani family tries to hit the shores of Goa at least once a year, sometimes twice a year! It had been a while since our last trip, and so it was time to schedule another one. Early in 2010, we decided to book us a 3-night stay slated for mid Feb. And, as predictable as the Old Faithful in Yellowstone, a few days before departure, ill health struck…
Pumpkin came down with a very bad bout of viral fever and cough. A quick trip to the pediatrician confirmed that the bug was in the air and would take 7-10 days to fully get out of the system. She advised us to carry on with our holiday plans, since there was not much to do besides take the required medicines regularly.
So, off we went to our annual visit, fully prepared with a large kit of medicines for any eventuality. What we did not plan for, however, was that Tiger would soon catch it from his sister.
The kids would alternate between having high fever (sometimes reaching 102!) and no fever in the day. There would be times when either one of them was “down”, and also times when both were sick or both completely normal. The nights would keep both parents awake with both the kids coughing and choking incessantly.
Of course, during the day, in bits and parts, it would feel like a completely typical holiday when we would head to a nearby Goan restaurant for some yummy food! We even shot some videos on the digital camera on which you’ll see no trace of any thing unusual, just a family on a holiday having fun!!!
It was a very weird experience in a funny and tragic sort of way… Kind of like suddenly having your energizer batteries pulled out and pushed in, throughout the 4-day stay. By the time we returned, both the kids were on their way to recovery, but the wife and I were fully “out”. Guess, attending to all the ill health and not getting any sleep ourselves didn’t really help our immunity. It took both of us nearly two weeks to recover from that.
But, we made it. And, we would surely return to Goaaaah soon!
