Quick on the heels of my last post, comes another one that focuses on what truly matters when you’re a parent.
In a blog post entitled – The Power of Presence – Mike Shippey offers a wonderfully-written, thought-provoking reminder of the power we wield as parents, and how we can put it to good use…
When your child wants to talk to you about something…listen. And don’t just listen, but make eye contact. And don’t just make eye contact, bend down or get on one knee and get face to face with them. Really and truly look them in the eye. And pay attention. Nothing makes a child feel as safe and secure or loved and cared for as a parent who takes the time to listen. Kids are pure, man. I mean they are the real deal. They have no real concept of time or boundaries, their imaginations run wild, they are naturally happy and curious, and they will ask anything. They ask because they want the answers. And the first place they look is the ultimate storehouse of knowledge…mom or dad. Imagine that you are a super hero. Because, if you have children, you are. To those kids you are the bravest, strongest, smartest, and most influential person n the planet. As far as they are concerned, you know everything and you can do anything. And so, when they need an answer or a solution, some love, attention or just a person to share their feelings with…they come to you.
When your child wants to talk to you about something…listen. And don’t just listen, but make eye contact. And don’t just make eye contact, bend down or get on one knee and get face to face with them. Really and truly look them in the eye. And pay attention.
Nothing makes a child feel as safe and secure or loved and cared for as a parent who takes the time to listen.
Kids are pure, man. I mean they are the real deal. They have no real concept of time or boundaries, their imaginations run wild, they are naturally happy and curious, and they will ask anything. They ask because they want the answers. And the first place they look is the ultimate storehouse of knowledge…mom or dad.
Imagine that you are a super hero. Because, if you have children, you are. To those kids you are the bravest, strongest, smartest, and most influential person n the planet. As far as they are concerned, you know everything and you can do anything. And so, when they need an answer or a solution, some love, attention or just a person to share their feelings with…they come to you.
It doesn’t take much to be a superhero to your child. And yet, so many of us (well-meaning parents) focus on the stuff that doesn’t really matter in the end.
As Shippey says, “Just be present. Be real. Be a parent. Be a hero.”
A tweet from my friend Jin Yang reminded me of how often we adults take children for granted, and how important it is to follow through what they’re trying to say to us.
Yang’s tweet was about a blog post called Wood Tape, in which Scott Nesin writes about an incident that happened with his son. What follows is a remarkable account of what can happen if you give your children a listen. Here’s just a brief excerpt, though you really need to read the entire post:
My wife calls me at work, and we have the usual end-of-the-day chat. Then: “Oh, by the way, Guy wants you to take him to the hardware store, he wants to get some tape.” “What kind of tape?” “He says he wants ‘wood tape’.” “Wood tape?” “Wood tape.” “Uhhh, ok. When?” “Sometime this weekend. He is really looking forward to going.” Guy is my four-year-old son. No problem, I just need a fraction of an excuse to visit a hardware store…
My wife calls me at work, and we have the usual end-of-the-day chat. Then: “Oh, by the way, Guy wants you to take him to the hardware store, he wants to get some tape.” “What kind of tape?” “He says he wants ‘wood tape’.” “Wood tape?” “Wood tape.” “Uhhh, ok. When?” “Sometime this weekend. He is really looking forward to going.”
Guy is my four-year-old son. No problem, I just need a fraction of an excuse to visit a hardware store…
After the entire story had unfolded, Nesin writes:
… I think back over the day and see the signs now. I remember earlier bits and pieces that all make sense. I should not be surprised, this is not the first time something like this has happened. I certainly didn’t think it was beyond a four-year-old’s ability, but I just never saw it coming. I keep trying not to underestimate the little stinkers, but they keep sneaking up on me.
My own predicament is no different. As a parent, I try my best not to underestimate my children, by encouraging them to voice their thoughts and see them through. Despite that, time and again, I have been surprised by the immense potential that they show to absorb a new concept or embrace a new idea or deliver on something that I would not expect them to do at such an early age.
Nesin’s post was a reminder that the limitations exist only in our minds, as adults. Perhaps, because we have forgotten how to be like children.
A fellow mommy blogger posted an interesting piece entitled “Five things motherhood/parenthood has taught me“, and tagged me in it. I thought it was a great idea to use the opportunity to put down some of my own learnings on the subject. Though, I must confess, I have a feeling that this is going to be just one in a series of such posts on my part, hence the number 1 at the end.
So, here are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my journey as a parent:
1. Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson
Time and again, I have found myself being surprised by the amount of joy my children experience, just by virtue of me or the mrs. spending some good quality time with them. Not to mention the number of occassions on which a single piece of chocolate or a toy that costs less than 20 bucks can make their day! Excess is for losers, I say.
2. Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy. ~Robert A. Heinlein
In Life, as in Parenting, you gotta make some tough calls at times. Every parent needs to do it. And, every parent should. Even if it means upsetting your child for the moment, and resisting the temptation of spoiling him/her. So keep your own needs (of gratitude) aside, and take the decision that is in the best interest of your child. Every time.
3. The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~Lane Olinghouse
If you’re considering being a parent, and simultaneously entertaining the notion that Life will still offer you opportunities to have some “quiet time” every day, forget about it! At least for the first 4-5 years of your child, it’s going to be all about your child. No, really. Get used to the idea, and you’ll do just fine.
4. What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James
Your children will do as you do, not as you say. So, the best thing you can do for them is lead by example. (Sometimes, that also means apologizing to them.) If you think you can simply instruct them to live life a certain way, while you continue to do the opposite, you’re in for a big surprise!
5. The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. ~Author Unknown
It’s true. No matter how much you prepare for it, you’re never going to be fully prepared for what is going to unfold in your life as a parent. So, the sooner you learn to relax and focus on the essentials, the happier you’ll be as a family.
More to come…
Thanks to a re-tweet by a friend, I discovered a really well-written piece by Natasha Badhwar (Indian Express) on what it means for her to grow up with her kids.
The essay is generously laced with humour and insight, and has a lot to offer, not just for those of you who may be trying to understand what parenting involves, but also for young parents like us who can use some welcome tips to help us make the most of our experience! Here are some excerpts…
We are parents of three children, but don’t let the number distract you. The more they are, the better pictures they make. The more they are, the more time off a parent gets. The higher the sense of achievement when one gets anything done at all. Like being on time for the school bus… Like everyone else around me, I embarked on parenthood with my own set of delusions. Eight years into the game, I’ve lost a lot of the wisdom that had seemed a natural gift. I feel lighter. My learning is inconclusive and contradictory and doesn’t work all the time. Quite like the children I learnt them from. After all, it’s still early years. I call it a game, because that inspires us to play. Play demands creativity, one gets better with practice and if one keeps up the spirit, then laughter and fun comes along. Play can get difficult; it requires fitness and training.
We are parents of three children, but don’t let the number distract you. The more they are, the better pictures they make. The more they are, the more time off a parent gets. The higher the sense of achievement when one gets anything done at all. Like being on time for the school bus…
Like everyone else around me, I embarked on parenthood with my own set of delusions. Eight years into the game, I’ve lost a lot of the wisdom that had seemed a natural gift. I feel lighter. My learning is inconclusive and contradictory and doesn’t work all the time. Quite like the children I learnt them from. After all, it’s still early years.
I call it a game, because that inspires us to play. Play demands creativity, one gets better with practice and if one keeps up the spirit, then laughter and fun comes along. Play can get difficult; it requires fitness and training.
I especially love the analogy about parenting as a “game”. Being a father of two kids myself, I know how much work can go into being a good parent. And, at the same time, the act of being a parent can be so incredibly rewarding and filled with joy, that it can get quite impossible to explain to any non-parent, on a logical level, why so many of us opt to have children! That’s why the “game” analogy makes perfect sense.
But, that’s not all you can get from Badhwar’s write-up. Here’s some more…
Parenting demands that we have to be more present, rather than absent. It’s easier to be away at work, far easier to be stuck in traffic every day. Parents love Mondays. If you work at home, you get to send the kids away, if you work outside, you get to send yourself away. Monday is parents’ secret Saturday. But eventually, our children will give each other what they get from us… So I make a game out of this too. We are all crew and cast on a film set. Sometimes I am allowed to raise my voice because I am the Director. I always make up for it with my crew and actors afterwards, because you know, I need them on the sets tomorrow. This film depends on their motivation, I couldn’t pay anyone to act in this one…
Parenting demands that we have to be more present, rather than absent. It’s easier to be away at work, far easier to be stuck in traffic every day. Parents love Mondays. If you work at home, you get to send the kids away, if you work outside, you get to send yourself away. Monday is parents’ secret Saturday. But eventually, our children will give each other what they get from us…
So I make a game out of this too. We are all crew and cast on a film set. Sometimes I am allowed to raise my voice because I am the Director. I always make up for it with my crew and actors afterwards, because you know, I need them on the sets tomorrow. This film depends on their motivation, I couldn’t pay anyone to act in this one…
If you’re still wondering why parents enjoy parenting so much, I’ll offer you some more of Badhwar’s words, in response: “They remind us of what we were like when we started out. What we can be like, what can be reclaimed.”
Simply put, children are reminders of the best that Life can be.
An excellent post on KidsHealth got me thinking about the imminent dangers of my children getting bullied in school…
Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop. It’s important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids’ sense of self-worth and future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as school shootings.
Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it’s not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.
It’s important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids’ sense of self-worth and future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as school shootings.
The KidsHealth writeup offers many helpful pointers on how to spot the problem and how to deal with it. So, do give it a good read.
The Mayo Clinic also supports the view that bullying is a serious issue, and offers more helpful advice…
Bullying was once considered a childhood rite of passage. Today, however, bullying is recognized as a serious problem. Up to half of all children are bullied at some point during their school years, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. And thanks to tech-savvy kids, cyberbullying and other forms of electronic harassment are now commonplace. To help your child handle school bullying, learn to recognize it – and know how to respond.
Bullying was once considered a childhood rite of passage. Today, however, bullying is recognized as a serious problem. Up to half of all children are bullied at some point during their school years, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. And thanks to tech-savvy kids, cyberbullying and other forms of electronic harassment are now commonplace.
To help your child handle school bullying, learn to recognize it – and know how to respond.
You may think this is a problem that does not affect your kids today, but unless you learn to read the signs, how will you know?
