A good friend posted yet another writeup on the “childfree argument” and the trials and tribulations of Parenthood:
An extremely well-written overview of recent studies showing how and why the fun has gone out of parenthood: All Joy and No Fun Why is this important to the childfree by choice? Well, the next time someone says, “You’ll regret not having kid.” or, “Parenthood is such a joy, you’re missing out” you can send them a link to this article.
An extremely well-written overview of recent studies showing how and why the fun has gone out of parenthood:
All Joy and No Fun
Why is this important to the childfree by choice? Well, the next time someone says, “You’ll regret not having kid.” or, “Parenthood is such a joy, you’re missing out” you can send them a link to this article.
And, I was compelled to respond…
That’s a detailed writeup with lots of references to well-founded studies, no doubt. But, I do not think it is putting forth an argument that has no “other” side.
I quote from the writeup… “A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters.“
The question is, why are we beginning to examine this new “choice”. Is it really because it’s better for the planet to have less resource-depleting human beings on it? Or could it be self-centeredness on our part? Or hubris? Just the pursuit of our own happiness/comfort/convenience, above all else?
Once again, I quote from the writeup… “Children may provide unrivaled moments of joy. But they also provide unrivaled moments of frustration, tedium, anxiety, heartbreak. This scene, which isn’t even all that awful or uncommon, makes it perfectly clear why parenting may be regarded as less fun than having dinner with friends or baking a cake. Loving one’s children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.”
Re-read this para in light of the questions I asked earlier. Yes, travelling across the world or catching a movie with friends can be infinitely more satisfying to us as individuals, than the trials and tribulations of “parenting”, in spite of the limitless love we may have for our children. So why do some of us do it?!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Parenting is not for everyone. And, I don’t mean to imply that being childfree is not an option. But, there’s gotta be more to the reason than individual comfort and convenience, don’t you think?!
Every Life has a purpose, even though, at times, it may not be quite apparent to us. And, being a part of nature’s creation process may be the one thing that brings us all closer to Nature herself, and by extension, to God (or whatever life-force we believe in!)
We may each have our reasons for doing what we choose to do (and not doing so, too)! The next kid that walks this Earth may not invent cold fusion, but that doesn’t mean that his/her time on this planet was purposeless…
I recently discovered a very useful parenting resource called KidsHealth which offers tons of tips and writeups on topics concerning kids and parenting. One such example is their fine collection of Emergency Child Care sheets that you can readily print out and use:
It’s practically impossible to parent a child from infancy to adolescence without encountering a situation, be it minor or major, that requires medical attention either at home or by a health care professional. But we’ve taken the guesswork out of what to do in some common scenarios. Check out these sheets – or print them to keep in a folder for easy access – to help you handle some common childhood emergencies and less serious, but still scary, situations…
It’s practically impossible to parent a child from infancy to adolescence without encountering a situation, be it minor or major, that requires medical attention either at home or by a health care professional. But we’ve taken the guesswork out of what to do in some common scenarios.
Check out these sheets – or print them to keep in a folder for easy access – to help you handle some common childhood emergencies and less serious, but still scary, situations…
The list at KidsHealth covers everything from Animal Bites to Vomiting. Some of this information may already be known to you, while some aspects will be new. But, when it comes to matters concerning your child’s safety, the most important thing is to have the right information handy, when you need it the most!
I chose to print out a few of the sheets that I thought would be more frequent in occurrence, and stick them on the home cupboard.
Get the full list, here. And, have a safe trip…
A good friend recently introduced me to a fantastic site “on being child-free“. Frankly, up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t even heard of the phrase! I’m a parent of two adorable children, and have a number of friends who aren’t married, and don’t have kids yet. But, I’ve never thought of them as having consciously opted to be ‘child-free’… I always figured, it was a matter of “when”, not “if”!
So, it was with much interest and enthusiasm that I devoured whatever I could read on the subject. This would be an opportunity for me to learn something from an entirely new perspective – not an easy thing to come by, these days.
I read the Top 100 reasons not to have Kids, and went through the Best FAQ page on being Childfree, and understood what it means to say Yes to ChildFreedom. And, once I did all that, I was able to really appreciate the arguments of the other side.
I fully agree with my friend – Joy – on the fact that people will spend hours, days, even months researching before buying an expensive gadget, but won’t stop to think before bringing another human to this planet! More people need to think about what it means to have children, consciously, before it “happens” to them. And, making an informed decision is a great start indeed.
But, there is also an argument against making rational arguments. Behavioural studies show that, in most situations, we humans have already decided which course we want to pursue in a matter of seconds (or milliseconds). We then go about finding enough data (pros and cons) to basically support our choices. (We both know that you can find enough data to support pretty much any argument, don’t we?!)
I’m not saying every one should be a parent. Frankly, I think they ought to issue valid licenses for parents! And, I do agree that every couple (every individual?) should be able to choose their own path, irrespective of what society thinks is the acceptable norm.
But, the experience of being a parent is unlike any other.
There’s something magical about being a parent to a child that can make you appreciate Life in all it has to offer… It’s one of the rare things in life where the sum of its parts is not as much as its whole. Therefore, any list of Top 100 reasons or the likes will not even come close to experiencing the sheer joy of holding a newborn in your hand.
The choice should be your’s. And, it should be an informed one. Remember though, after all is said and done, the heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of… John Dryden.
Recommended reading: Happily Childfree
I love the stuff they churn out at HowStuffWorks, especially because they cover so much of Science and Technology. Therefore, even I was surprised to read this, recently:
Over the years, you give your child a great deal of information in answer to his questions both trivial and serious. Some of your answers are very brief, just “Yes” or “No”; others are longer. Some consist of facts, plain and simple, and others express emotions, values, or philosophy. With the first “Why?” question you answer, you establish your own unique style of giving information, and your child knows from then on what to expect from you when he asks a question. However, some of your child’s questions will be easier to answer than others.
Among the most difficult questions you will have to answer for your child, are the ones on Death, Sex and Divorce. In a well-written post, HowStuffWorks offers some really sensible advice on each of these three. I am including a brief extract from each, to give you a sneak peek of what’s in store:
On Death To counter denial, tell your child as often as necessary that yes, Grandpa is dead, and will not return, but those who love him will always remember him. Do not use misleading terms such as “sleeping” and “gone away”; the first may well make your child afraid to go to bed, and the second leads her to expect Grandpa’s return. And do not use confusing euphemisms such as “called home” and “happy in heaven.” Your child will find it hard to understand why people are sad when death sounds so good… At some point after the death, your child may feel a great deal of fear — fear she will die, fear you will die and leave her alone and uncared for, nameless fear that if Grandpa can die, anything terrifying and horrible can happen. In spite of your constant reassurance, your child may regress in areas in which she had recently made strides foward, such as night waking, toilet training, or eating. Bear with her; the stage will pass… On Sex The best answer, wherever and whenever the question comes up, is brief and factual: “They grow inside their mothers.” Later, when your child has absorbed this bit of information and comes back with more questions, you should be equally matter-of-fact in explaining, probably in the following order, that the baby grows in the mother’s uterus, a special place in the mother’s body; comes out through a birth passage called the vagina; and is conceived when a cell from the father’s body joins a cell in the mother’s body… Your hesitancy about explaining sexuality and reproduction to your child is natural and common among most parents. It disappears as you become more accustomed to answering the questions and giving the information so important for your child to have. Do remember to include the roles of love and intimacy and respect in your talks about reproduction with a child of any age. If you do not, you are telling only half the story… On Divorce Even very young children should be told the parents are separating before the departing spouse moves out, if possible. You should tell them the truth — the parent who is leaving will not come back to live. However young they are, they should not be told Daddy is going on a business trip or Mommy is going to visit Grandma. Divorce is somewhat similar to death in that it is final; euphemisms and lies or half-truths do more harm than good and ultimately have to be corrected… Probably the first question a child of any age will ask is “Why?” Your answer may be something like this: “Because we aren’t happy living together, and we think it would be best for all of us if we lived apart.” The second question may be unasked, but don’t doubt that it is in your child’s mind: “If you can stop being happy together, can you stop being happy with me?” To attempt to dispel this fear, it is very important for you to say to your child, “We will both always love you; that will never change.”…
On Death
To counter denial, tell your child as often as necessary that yes, Grandpa is dead, and will not return, but those who love him will always remember him. Do not use misleading terms such as “sleeping” and “gone away”; the first may well make your child afraid to go to bed, and the second leads her to expect Grandpa’s return. And do not use confusing euphemisms such as “called home” and “happy in heaven.” Your child will find it hard to understand why people are sad when death sounds so good…
At some point after the death, your child may feel a great deal of fear — fear she will die, fear you will die and leave her alone and uncared for, nameless fear that if Grandpa can die, anything terrifying and horrible can happen. In spite of your constant reassurance, your child may regress in areas in which she had recently made strides foward, such as night waking, toilet training, or eating. Bear with her; the stage will pass…
On Sex
The best answer, wherever and whenever the question comes up, is brief and factual: “They grow inside their mothers.” Later, when your child has absorbed this bit of information and comes back with more questions, you should be equally matter-of-fact in explaining, probably in the following order, that the baby grows in the mother’s uterus, a special place in the mother’s body; comes out through a birth passage called the vagina; and is conceived when a cell from the father’s body joins a cell in the mother’s body…
Your hesitancy about explaining sexuality and reproduction to your child is natural and common among most parents. It disappears as you become more accustomed to answering the questions and giving the information so important for your child to have. Do remember to include the roles of love and intimacy and respect in your talks about reproduction with a child of any age. If you do not, you are telling only half the story…
On Divorce
Even very young children should be told the parents are separating before the departing spouse moves out, if possible. You should tell them the truth — the parent who is leaving will not come back to live. However young they are, they should not be told Daddy is going on a business trip or Mommy is going to visit Grandma. Divorce is somewhat similar to death in that it is final; euphemisms and lies or half-truths do more harm than good and ultimately have to be corrected…
Probably the first question a child of any age will ask is “Why?” Your answer may be something like this: “Because we aren’t happy living together, and we think it would be best for all of us if we lived apart.” The second question may be unasked, but don’t doubt that it is in your child’s mind: “If you can stop being happy together, can you stop being happy with me?” To attempt to dispel this fear, it is very important for you to say to your child, “We will both always love you; that will never change.”…
Do take the time to read the entire post.
Babycenter posted an excellent article on “Ten ways to build your child’s self-esteem” in which it detailed simple strategies that each of us can use to boost our child’s confidence.
The suggestions ranged from giving unconditional love to supporting healthy risks. What I found most noteworthy, however, was how the writeup distinguished between “Praise” and “Encouragement”:
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, “I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!” Encouragement means acknowledging progress - not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: “You’re trying very hard and you almost have it!” instead of “Not like that. Let me do it.” There’s a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person (“You did it!” rather than “I’m proud of you!”). Praise can make a child feel that he’s only “good” if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. “Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there” is more helpful than saying, “You’re the best player on the team.” Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.
Provide encouragement. Every child needs the kind of support from loved ones that signals, “I believe in you. I see your effort. Keep going!” Encouragement means acknowledging progress - not just rewarding achievement. So if your child is struggling with a math problem, say: “You’re trying very hard and you almost have it!” instead of “Not like that. Let me do it.”
There’s a difference between praise and encouragement. One rewards the task while the other rewards the person (“You did it!” rather than “I’m proud of you!”). Praise can make a child feel that he’s only “good” if he does something perfectly. Encouragement, on the other hand, acknowledges the effort. “Tell me about the game. I saw you really hustling out there” is more helpful than saying, “You’re the best player on the team.” Too much praise can sap self-esteem because it can create pressure to perform and set up a continual need for approval from others. So dole out the praise judiciously and offer encouragement liberally; it will help your child grow up to feel good about himself.
Don’t give this one a miss. It has long term implications for your child’s Life.
